Reflections - Was it a Dream?

I’ve been back at home for just shy of 1 week. I’m happy to be home and easing into life off the bike and off the road. In a sense I’ve assumed the role of observer, watching myself adjust to the “new normal.” On the road I was kinetic, on the move, and experiencing new moments every day. There were things to do, but there wasn’t the opportunity to procrastinate and/or postpone too much. At home, it’s easy to put things off that need to get done and to get stuck in front of the TV binge watching. It’s just an observation, not an indictment of binge watching. I’ve caught-up on some great series.

I’m still thinking about the trip and will start in earnest this week documenting and working on some videos. It will help me process and relive the entire experience.

There’s a level of disorientation being back. I’m adjusting well and so happy to be with family and at home. However, I think about the journey at times. While I remember details it’s also a big blur. During the journey and even now, there’s a strong desire to engrave every moment in my long-term memory. Just like taking a picture or a video, it’s not possible to hold on to a moment. You can’t reproduce it by staring at a picture. Even if you did the trip 1000 times, you wouldn’t be getting any closer to painting an exact picture of the moments and emotions that you experienced. You’d simply be creating new and different moments.

During the journey I knew I couldn’t hold on to the moments experienced and I didn’t try to. “Be Here Now.” I was living in the moment and experiencing a range of physical, emotional, and spiritual feelings. That’s how it works. Whether you stood in place and snapped tons of pictures, it wouldn’t hold the information with respect to what you felt at that instance in time. Now I’m home. There’s a longing and a desire to make sure that memories are lasting and don’t fade. It’s very similar to the feeling you have when you wake-up from a great dream in the middle of the night. You have the feeling and the message, possibly some of the details. You are sure you’ll remember in the morning. When you rise from your slumber in the AM, you’ve lost it. There’s just an inclination of something, some slight reminder. You feel a sense of loss, as if the meaning of life and the universe just slipped through your hands like sand on a beach.

That’s why I’m looking forward to writing more about the trip, putting together some slideshows, and also videos. I think that’s going to help create those “markers” that will serve to trigger certain memories, emotions, and feelings from the journey. I’m resolved to the fact that the actual experience I had at any moment is gone. It left as quickly as it came. Riding Highway 12 in Utah or reaching the Pacific Ocean, and the infinite instantaneous experiences of the life I was living during those 50 days is gone. It’s not even a complete memory. All is not lost though. Whether a dream or reality, it has shaped me. I am different. I am the sum total of all those past experiences, including the 50@50 journey. So, while I might not be able to playback the exact moments and feelings, I do take comfort in the fact that who I am at this very moment is in part because of that journey. There has been nothing lost, and nothing forgotten. There is a transformation and a metamorphosis in who I am. It might not be profound, or it might be. It might be a lasting set of observable changes or it might be a smoothing of some rough edges that go unnoticed.

I believe most of us have a tendency to want to relive past moments as a means to draw more appreciation and value out of that experience. Clearly, this is a loop and a fool’s game. Ultimately, it can lead to regrets, which we know are not good things. Should-haves and could-haves take you nowhere. I will continue to reflect on this journey as a way to propel me forward. The 50@50 journey is rocket fuel for whatever comes next. My memories of the trip are the sparks that ignite that fuel to keep me moving forward. Dreams and memories are the inspiration. There is no doubt that this journey has shaped me in new ways. Even if it feels like a dream, I am still renewed and traveling in new directions.